I haven’t posted anything here in a very long time. I thought about it now and then, even started to write a new post, but somehow it’s incredibly difficult.
However, I wanted to talk about the things that are different after two years, things I think about a lot or that I just realised recently.
After two years without him I don’t cry myself to sleep that often anymore. Maybe once a month.
My mum still finds stuff that belonged to him in cupboards or in the basement: Painting utensils, old computer stuff, clothing,…
I own two pullovers he used to wear and when I am particularly down I inhale their scent. After two years they’re starting to lose this wonderful smell…
We’ve got a new tombstone since December (the stonecutter took one year to finish it!) and it looks really nice, much more personal than the wooden cross everyone else has and he had before.
My mum told us she got an account at an online dating site, much to the dislike of my brothers and me. I understand her, she’s the one who has to sleep alone in this enormous bed. But it’s weird for us kids to imagine another man making her compliments and making her laugh, maybe moving in with her some day. It’s nothing I’ve ever looked forward to. I know my dad wanted her to move on and be happy again. In the end that’s what should matter: That my mum’s happy.
Last week I got to accept my “daddy issues”. Well, not accept, but I came face to face with them. I met a guy at a party and I really liked him and I can’t stop thinking about him. But I’ve realised a day after the party that he just reminds me a lot of my dad: He’s tall, he’s kind, he’s calm, he’s got short curly hair, he plays the same instrument,… And I also realised that he’s not the first one. The guy I had a crush on before had reminded me of my dad too! It’s all so very confusing and I don’t know how to handle these new feelings, whether this is bad or okay. I hate that I can’t talk to anybody openly about this. Daddy issues is not only a weird and awkward topic, it’s also kind of a taboo to talk about them.
I miss cuddling with my dad, waiting at the train station for him (we used to take the same train to school/work), getting his advice, hearing him laugh…
The closer his death day comes the more depressed I become.