Nearly two years later

Hello everybody,

 

I haven’t posted anything here in a very long time. I thought about it now and then, even started to write a new post, but somehow it’s incredibly difficult.

However, I wanted to talk about the things that are different after two years, things I think about a lot or that I just realised recently.

 

After two years without him I don’t cry myself to sleep that often anymore. Maybe once a month.

My mum still finds stuff that belonged to him in cupboards or in the basement: Painting utensils, old computer stuff, clothing,…

I own two pullovers he used to wear and when I am particularly down I inhale their scent. After two years they’re starting to lose this wonderful smell…

We’ve got a new tombstone since December (the stonecutter took one year to finish it!) and it looks really nice, much more personal than the wooden cross everyone else has and he had before.

My mum told us she got an account at an online dating site, much to the dislike of my brothers and me. I understand her, she’s the one who has to sleep alone in this enormous bed. But it’s weird for us kids to imagine another man making her compliments and making her laugh, maybe moving in with her some day. It’s nothing I’ve ever looked forward to. I know my dad wanted her to move on and be happy again. In the end that’s what should matter: That my mum’s happy.

Last week I got to accept my “daddy issues”. Well, not accept, but I came face to face with them. I met a guy at a party and I really liked him and I can’t stop thinking about him. But I’ve realised a day after the party that he just reminds me a lot of my dad: He’s tall, he’s kind, he’s calm, he’s got short curly hair, he plays the same instrument,… And I also realised that he’s not the first one. The guy I had a crush on before had reminded me of my dad too! It’s all so very confusing and I don’t know how to handle these new feelings, whether this is bad or okay. I hate that I can’t talk to anybody openly about this. Daddy issues is not only a weird and awkward topic, it’s also kind of a taboo to talk about them.

I miss cuddling with my dad, waiting at the train station for him (we used to take the same train to school/work), getting his advice, hearing him laugh…

The closer his death day comes the more depressed I become.

 

-Mareike

Advertisements

Happy birthday

Dear dad,

 

I wish you a happy 54th birthday!

Today I thought a lot about you. More than usually.

I tried to find a memory I cherish most, a funny anecdote. But I couldn’t find one. There was no story that I remember very well.

However, I do remember many things:

I remember the way you styled my hair (just put in lots of hair clips and make small tails) – our “bandit hairdo”.

I remember driving bike with you, sometimes really long tours. I remember buying gladioli with you for mom after bike tours. I remember when we once had an encounter with a goose family on a bike tour and how the gander tried to attack us.

I remember playing badminton with you in the courtyard. I remember you mowing the lawn (I loved the smell of it).

I remember you eating peanuts – and when I discovered that we eat them the same way: First eating the halved ones, then the complete ones.

I remember our staring contests. Sometimes I won but most of the times you made me laugh and I was glad for losing.

I remember shaving with you. You shaved your real beard, I my imaginary one. I loved when you applied the shaving foam on my face and choosing and aftershave afterwards was always so much fun!

I remember the night you gave me “Papa Bär”. I remember when I wanted to give him back to you a couple years ago – and how you told me, that he’s mine and you want me to keep him.

I remember when you had to stay at home and during my lunch breaks, when I went home, how we drank coffee together and talked and I loved it. I loved every single story you told me.

I remember your hugs. I remember the smell of you. And everytime I see the colour yellow I immediately think of you. Also when I see roses.

I wish I could have given you a better present than one lousy daffodil I stole from a front garden…

I feel like thinking of you and remembering you is one of the greatest gifts I can give to you. And at the same time I feel like I’m letting you down, because I don’t remember every single story you ever  told me and I don’t have a funny anecdote I could tell.

My gift to you is this promise: I promise to you, that I will never ever forget you, I will always love and cherish you and every thing and every memory you gave to me. I will care for mom and my brothers and your parents.

I hope that one day we’ll see each other again and we’ll be able to celebrate your birthday together. As a whole family.

 

Love,

your favourite daughter Mareike

My Cherished Object – Cherished Blogfest

Hello there,

Today’s post is a bit different from my other posts.  This post is about the Cherished Blogfest, hosted by Damyanti, Dan Antion, Paul Ruddock, Peter Nena and Sharukh Bamboat.  Important is to keep your posts to a maximum of 500 words.

 

Finding the most cherished object in my possession was rather easy, because it’s something that belonged to my father.

Let me introduce to you: Papa Bär!

DSCN2980

“Papa” is german for “dad” and “Bär” means “bear”.

I remember how I got him like it happened some weeks ago:

When I was a small girl I always needed a cloth in my arms to fall asleep.  Loosing this cloth was rather easy and I drooled a lot on it (eww).

At this particular night, there was a terrible thunderstorm and I was scared to death.  I was never scared of tunderstorms, but my cloth was in the laundry.  So I went to  my dad and he gave me Papa Bär.

I love the story, how my dad got him:

When he was about 22 years old, he went into this shop and there sat this teddy on one of  the shelfs and stared at him with his wonderful eyes.  My dad felt like he said to him “Buy me! Please…”.  It was like love at first sight.

As a young teddy bear Papa Bär was very fluffy and didn’t look this damaged.  My dad used to say he looks like “someone loves him a lot“.  And that’s the truth.  Since I’m a small girl I need this teddy to fall asleep.  Okay, I don’t necessarily need him, but having him in my arms is comforting and I love his smell (he smells a bit like my dad).

Papa Bär is not only a gift from my dad, he’s not only helping me to fall asleep, but also brings back childhood memories.  When I was young I pretended I’d marry him or that he’s my child and I christened him. He kept the other cuddly toys in check, because they had respect for him and wouldn’t dare making him angry (he’s a bear after all).

I could never give him away, let alone throw him away!

And I will never forget how my dad smiled, when he saw this teddy in my arms.  I brought Papa Bär to him before he had to go into the hospice, so they could say goodbye to each other.  It was his teddy after all and I’m deeply grateful he bought him and later gave him to me.

I feel closest to my dad with this teddy in my arms.

My 22 years old dad would have never thought he would buy such an important cuddly toy when he entered this shop.

 

 

I hope you enjoyed this story, even though it was a bit different than my usual posts 🙂

You can find the other participants of the Cherished Blogfest here.

cherished-blogfest1

I hope you have a wonderful weekend! Please feel free to leave a comment!

-Mareike

🙂

My Graduation Prank

Hello there,

 

So, there was no “Dad’s cancer” on Wednesday, because we had our graduation prank.

It was one of the things we looked forward to as kids, but when the time came near, we all started to doubt it would be as awesome as we had hoped.

 

Our plan:

The motto of our graduation was: “Genius and Insanity”.  So we wanted our prank to have this as a motto too.

At the beginning there were a lot of ideas, for example to have a bouncy castle in the school, but most of these ideas were discarded soon.

The big, new idea was to decorate the school as an asylum.  The graduators should dress either as patients or as doctors.

 

How it actually went:

We met at Tuesday evening to start with decorating.  Before that some friends of mine and me met to… get into the right mood. (I actually have pictures of us, but they’re all far too embarrassing 😉 )

Somehow I must have stepped into a shard, because by the time we were at school and I checked why my foot hurt, my whole foot was bloody.

After my foot was treated, I could start decorating too.

And by decorating I mean throwing toilet paper through the school.  This was actually most of the prank.  Very original.

There were also some signs with funny slogans or puns on them, but I wasn’t very impressed with the decoration.

I dressed as a mixture of Harley Quinn and Joker (I thought the make-up of the Joker was cooler, so I put that on) and was quite content with it.  Especially  because the rest of the graduators just wore some torn shirts or white coats (I’m still sorry I didn’t took any pictures of mycostume, it looked awesome).

Later we made all the other students play games against their teachers, which was rather boring.

 

The end:

It ended with a barbeque with some of the teachers, but most went home soon.

We had the time of our lifes, drinking, eating and talking and enjoying this last day at school.  I was a bit sad, to be honest.

ps_11724599_855364737876488_952705460_o

(Me and two of my friends at the BBQ.  To protect their privacy I photoshopped their faces. But you can still see all of our smiling faces.  Well, and my weird one^^)

 

This was our graduation prank, which was more of a fail and disappointment in my opinion.

 

Have you got any experiences with graduation pranks?

Feel free to leave a comment!

-Mareike

🙂

My Bucket List

Hello there,

Today I want to share my bucket list for this year with you, as I think it’s the best way to get to know me better.

I have divided my bucket list in two parts:
There’s a bucket list with things I definitely want to do this year and a bucket list with things I want to do in my life, no time limit.

The one for my life contains a lot of ideas for traveling and for tattoos.

Bucket Lists help me to focus on what really matters to me, but also to keep in mind, that there are a lot of things to do, that are fun.

 

For this year I want to:

– leave a cute note in a library book (which will be difficult, because our librarian always check the books for bookmarks etc.)

– do the 2015 Reading Challenge (I’ll do a post just about the Reading Challenge in a few days)

– make a scrapbook full of good memories

– watch all the Harry Potter movies in one day

– spend the summer with my friends

10394789_673169569429340_5152097383525137516_n

Last year my friends, some girls from our form and me celebrated the Holi-Fest.  This is us afterwards 🙂  (To protect their privacy I made their faces unrecognizable.  You still get the idea of this event.)

– surprise our teachers during their lunch break after our graduation

– find a passion

It’s not that much, but because I’m graduating this year I don’t have that much free time.

Also, I want to focus on spending time with my friends.  All of my friends will either go to university or take their voluntary gap year far away/in another country.  Only I will take my voluntary gap year in the area where we live now.

 

Are there any things you want to achieve this year?  It’s not too late to make resoultions 🙂

Feel free to leave a comment!

 

-Mareike

🙂

 

 

Hello there :)

Hello and welcome to my small blog!

I can’t believe I’m finally publishing my first post!

I struggled long with myself and wasn’t sure if I should dare this, but I made my mind up.

This blog is mainly for myself, I doubt anyone will ever stumble upon it. However, I’m still nervous.

If you’re reading this right now, it means someone actually DID stumble upon my blog, so feel welcome 🙂

But now, enough chit-chat. Here’s some stuff about myself:

My name is Mareike, I’m a young adult and I’m currently going through a phase where I have to make a lot of decisions. The main reason why I started this blog is because my father died 10 weeks ago. I want to keep him in honour and I’d love people to know about him. He’s my hero.

I want to share some memories with you people out there.

But I also want to help you wherever I can and give you the advice I whish somebody had given me and I want to share my experiences with you.

I really hope you’ll enjoy it here 🙂

-Mareike

🙂